To be completely honest – I’ve only been here for 2 days but it feels like I’ve been here a week. Time seems to be dragging and I’m still trying to be non-judgmental about the place.
If you are sensitive to language and crude images you might not want to continue reading any part of the ashram sections.
I’m homesick as fuck!! I’m settling in more and more, but (and it’s a pretty BIG BUT) I’m starting to question why I decided to run away from my life and come exploring. Was it my mom dying? Or things not working out in relationships? Or maybe my intense confusion with my choice in career paths?
It could have been anything really. Given the alternative – no I would not like to be trapped in an unhappy relationship, no I would not like to be at work – so I guess this really was the next best option.
From the people that I’m meeting, this limbo stage seems to be a pretty normal thing for someone my age. So I tell you what! I’ll give it a chance. I’ll try see if I can settle into this uncomfortable place I find myself in, with the hope that my head will settle, heart relax and soul unwind.
I have been trying to put my finger on what it is that unsettles me. I haven’t touched cigarettes or alcohol since I’ve been here – or meat for that matter (and I’m really missing meat). Is it the crazy chanting at an ungodly hour (“Hari Hari Krishna” on repeat for what feels like an hour)? I thought it might be sitting cross legged for a good deal of time (meditation, chanting and meals) – which is not the most comfortable way to spend your time. It’s not the 4 hours of intense yoga a day – that I really enjoy. It’s not eating with my right hand only – I have only made a few boo boos but am enjoying not using utensils. It’s not the new friends I’ve made – they’re all very interesting. So what is it?
I think it’s the long periods you have to yourself, and all the uncomfortable thinking you do. Looking at yourself and really seeing who you are and learning to accept that. Who knows – I might get used to this but I’m definitely going to give it at least 2 weeks chance.